Quick: Give Mayo A Pen For His Pen!

9th July 2006

Imagine the scene: Lincoln City are drawing 1-1 with Grimsby Town in the 2007 League Two Play-off Final and Lincoln City have won a last minute penalty. Paul Mayo is about to take it, when he stops and asks for a pen, so that he can work out how to score the perfect penalty!

Yes, that sounds barmy; almost as barmy as a bunch of university professors calculating how to take the perfect penalty. Yet, you've guessed it, the latter really has happened.

Drum roll please..........the formula for the perfect penalty is:

(((X+Y+S)/2)x((T+I+2B)/4))+(V/2)-1

where:

V= Velocity of ball once struck
T = Time between placing ball on spot and striking ball
S = Number of steps in run-up
I = Time ball is struck after goalkeeper initiatives dive
Y = Vertical placement of ball from ground
X = Horizontal placement of ball from centre
B = Striking position of foot

The formula has been derived by John Moores University, based in Liverpool, where students and professors have studied every England penalty since 1962. They have even sent their findings to England - you can just imagine Wayne Rooney sitting there with his pen and paper, trying to analyse the velocity of the ball.

Should any footballer actually use this formula - which is doubtful now that Graeme Le Saux has retired - then they will find that the ideal number of steps needed before striking the ball is 4 to 6 with a velocity of between 25 to 29 metres per second.

You should also take a penalty at precisely three seconds after the whistle blows, since every delay of 0.41 milliseconds will reduce your chances of scoring by half.

Now, who says that reading The Forgotten Imp is not educational!